Modi

I was never interested in questions about the past of my life. Really ..., there was a reluctance to answer it. Moreover, if I had to be honest there were certain times that I would never forget in my whole life journey.... Those were gloomy times full of humiliation that had confined me about ten years ago! How come?! I was 3(X) years old (I deliberately kept a secret the big number behind thirty), still a male virgin, unemployed, very poor and unfortunately... I had to see the success of my fellows.

I also remembered very well when on a muggy night, a friend named L said in disheartening words, "You and I cannot be rich. Impossible! The difficulties of life have become a destiny that is impossible to resist! So don't ever expect, you and I can send our children to college ... "

When he said the words of our children, it was clear that he rose his eyebrows higher. In written language, it may be more appropriate to express it in quotation marks, italics, and end with a triple question mark! Then ... with an innocent expression, he also said lightly, " Of course, even if lucky to have kids...."

Damn it! Lucky to have kids - he said! In my ear..., there was no doubt if I could say that he had seemed to be cheering to see all my misfortune. The point was very obvious, right ?! He insinuated my solitude by playing a stinging satire in that jerk causality logic! A lonely old bachelor like me, without a spouse ... it is absolutely impossible to have kids, isn't it?!

I admitted, my friend was indeed quite skillful in composing words that could destroy all my pride. He said in a flat tone, in a normal intonation, there were no insulting sound. Especially if we looked further, he always slipped the words 'you and I', as if represented the word of 'we'.

But don't get me wrong! Those words were just a strategy to give the impression that ‘you and I’ appeared to be in the same boat. Which was equally as low class people as who have lost all of the rights to become a successful person!

Apparently he deliberately involved himself as 'I' in the humiliation, really nothing more than attempted to polish up his slur. So, it was not looked too direct hitting my heart. Precisely as a disguised indignity, in order that I was not too angry. Even though in the end ... it's really hurt, it still slammed down my pride without mercy!

Then, he ended the conversation with words that were not less stinging, "Of course, this is already a fate. Look at our friend Modi! Now, he is a successful person. Have a good job, a beautiful wife, healthy-plump children, surely rich, and you know ...?" He paused for a moment. Smoked the cigarette that almost touched the filter. Afterward, with an odd sneer that hurting me, he said flatly, "He certainly can send his children to college. No need to take pains! Not like you ... oh sorry, I mean 'we'. 'You and me'…"

Quite so..., his mouth even became increasingly poisoned! How could he involved a name of someone else too, specifically by borrowing the success story of Modi - my childhood friend - to fulfill all my heartache.

I really could only lament my very poor life. The message that I could learn from all the mockery of my friend's puns was nothing but ... he had regarded me as a useless trash, which even a luck would never be on my side. Then, he compared in contrast my aimlessly life to the prosperous people's lives who were too far above me to give an effect of striking difference in social strata! Those up there ... in heaven! And me who was in the lower level. Even, down at the very bottom, those who couldn't afford to support themselves!

I was suddenly stunned in helplessness to hear all the 'satirical ranting' out of his mouth. I wanted to dodge or at least reply to that insult. But my mouth felt locked and got pathetic tongue-tied! Even for just defending myself, I really found myself to be unable and surrender entirely! Till I finally sunk into a very torturous silence....

But time was running so slow, as if it had been my most sickening seconds in a long wait..... However, no matter how hard I tried to remain silent in such a way, and endured harboring all emotional turmoil in the heart...., it turned out the mind in my head was still churning. A chaos that created unwillingness to even make peace. My mind was wandering, spinning, and raging so violently. The conversation was always ringing, even so closely stuck in my head!

That pathetic night –– I don't know why–– all my friend's words felt much sharper that it cut my heart like a knife. As a barrage of attacks that terrorized my mind, just right at the moment I was at the peak of my pain and poverty! It was truly a blow to my pride completely.

Finally, I could only leave the damned place with humiliation. Slumped like a pile of smelly garbage. While constantly cursing my poverty! I could only cry in the silence of the night, and asked to God, "If You exist ...? Of course, You will help me! "

So far ... my trust in God was just about vanished! I even almost killed myself. But in those times when my desire to die peaked ..., at that very moment my fear broke out. Wretched! Apparently, I was still afraid to die!

Thus, for weeks I was living on the brink of a denial. My days were useless. I also spent a lot of my time in bed.

But one time, on a gloomy night, between the boring days was passing by and my laziness as I was lying down on my cramped bed. Between my restlessness and the tiring sleep that it was filled with delirious of despair and cursing. I suddenly dreamed in my chaotic sleep. A very impressive dream. A dream of deliverance!

In my dream, I went to a place far away from my hometown. I didn't know where. But, there, I met my father who died a long time ago. I also met my deceased grandparents, my great-grandparents, and I no longer knew who they were. Indeed, at first there was also fear when I had to mingle with the people who had died. But strangely, it was not the horror that ultimately overwhelmed me. On the contrary, I just felt so happy. As if I were truly free from all kinds of misery!

The dream so impressed and greatly influenced my entire life afterwards ... Like an inspiration from the heavens that suddenly filled the emptiness of my soul. I came to believe the words of the wise I’d ever met: an empty soul is a soul that full of thirst for a miracle!

For days I couldn’t stop thinking about it, searching for its meaning in my own way ... Until finally an odd, yet very strong intention arose from the bottom of my deepest heart, I immediately had to leave my hometown!

I determined to go! But, I was not going for a definite purpose in life. I just wanted to realize my dream. Maybe I could go for good ... then joined together with all my ancestors!

****

Ten years went by. Now for the first time, I returned to my hometown. But, in just a few minutes ... I had started to feel the strangeness that suddenly bothered me. This town had changed!

I just realized that there was an odd atmosphere I'd never seen in my town 10 years ago. Many buskers and street children made their base at the crossroads. A scary sight that we usually encountered in other big cities, but not in my town!

Along the road that I had passed, I found my city had turned so dirty, seedy and the vagrants wandering to and fro. Large trash cans whose contents were messed up on the street corners had become a partying venue for tramps, scavengers and crazy people who were competing to scavenge 'the precious treasure' amongst the smelly rubbish.

Meanwhile, more and more buskers were singing the sad songs almost at every bus stop. Some sang songs full of enthusiasm that were far from melancholy, indeed. Which, if we had more time listening to it more seriously..., the content seemed nothing about a happy song that evoked optimism, at all! The songs that sort of thing - which were still more or less showing the same expression of pain, but they were more involved anger emotion - turned out to be only full of sarcastic scolding for evil conglomerates, corruptors and government who did not care for people!

I soon realized, that this country was indeed being hit by multiple crises. The economic collapsed, companies went bankrupt and millions of people were unemployed. Countless numbers of people were destitute. Meanwhile, for those who already lived in poverty, now they had become beggars in the streets!

But miraculously, none of that occurred to me at all! When many people had experienced the economic hardship, quite the opposite ... I was the poorest person in town 10 years ago was now even richer! During this crisis period, the triumph of my business empire was mounting! A business that I pioneered from the ruins of my past despair, from the wreckage of my trampled self-respect, from the crumbs of my pride, and was inspired by a strange dream that was even ironic: the meaning of my dream had nothing to do with the business matters!

I didn't think a necessity to talk about what kind of business I was in right now. Because, it's the most important thing that I never behaved strayed like the people who were condemned by the buskers earlier.

I told my driver to stop the car, when he found a cafe in one of the shopping centers. The car was parked. Then I walked into a small café, ordering a cup of coffee and a tuna sandwich.

As I was sitting and sipped coffee with no cream, I began to make a plan! Indeed, I have prepared this homecoming beforehand. I admitted I was coming home to get revenge!

Along with the rolling smoke from my expensive cigar, I felt an extraordinary sensation of pleasure when I imagined a nostalgic meeting that I was deliberately setting up with someone (named L) who had once insulted the downturn of my life on the damned one hell night, ten years ago! My life right now, definitely would be too impossible for him to believe! He was the one who ensure that I absolutely would never be a rich man, wasn't he?! Remained to be a person who was forever living in poverty and incapable to marry a woman ..., moreover…it was impossible to have kids!

I had also prepared various things to show my successful life. Of course, I would tell him about my companies, houses, cars, my worldly possessions, my beautiful wife, kids and ... suddenly I was struck! My wildest imagination instantly broke apart...!

I was shocked by the uproar in front of the cafe. I immediately rushed out. I saw people panicking when a stranger rampaged and tried to damage everything he found along the road.

I asked my driver who looked scared, "What happened?!"

My driver replied nervously, "Someone is stressed, Sir. He raged uncontrollably…..." My driver even seemed to start shaking while pointing at something, "Sir ... Sir, let's get out of here, now! That person is heading towards us! "

Before I could answer, suddenly the raging man had been so close to me, he was just in front of me. For a moment, I saw in a glance that blushing red face with eyes flickering wildly from side to side! I cried out in surprise, "Modi!"

The crazy man stopped. Looking at me with cruel eyes. I was so scared. But strangely, the man I knew as Modi - my childhood friend - now stood frozen. Then in seconds, his visage changed dramatically. His face turned pale! And, like seeing a ghost, he ran away from me. As fast as lightning he jumped and cut across into a busy traffic street!

Crash! I was stunned. A motorcycle that passed pretty fast hit him. Modi collapsed instantly.

Without thinking I called my driver, "Quick! Prepare the car! We help that man, we take him to the hospital! "

My driver immediately responded. Then we took Modi to the hospital........

A few hours later, Modi’s wife arrived at the hospital. The woman I used to know was very beautiful ... now she had changed a lot. Her face looked older than it should be, so pale, her hair was matted and she wore a floral patterned long dress that was far from luxurious. She held her son's hand, a young man in his twenties.

Modi’s wife soon recognized me. She quickly showered me with a thousand expressions of thanks and flattering me so high, as if I were the noblest person in the whole world.

After she felt rather calm down, she started to speak softly with a serious expression, "I can't repay your kindness!"

"Never mind. Modi is my best friend, "I said pretending. I still remembered very well the successful Modi, a boastful man who always looked down on me!

“This is how my family is ......” While sobbing Modi’s wife began to tell,” All of this because of the economic crisis!  Modi was fired from the company. Then he tried to be an entrepreneur, but went bankrupt! We have nothing left. Modi was confused, because he had to support the family ... He had tried so hard to solve all those problems, but the result ... instead, it ends up like this... "

I handed her a handkerchief, as her tears increasingly flowing.

Modi’s wife continued frantically, "Then what about the hospital fee? Now....., the costs we have to bear actually increase ..."

She paused for a moment. Her eyes wandered, and her face looked bitter, "When he left the house at dawn, he was not like this. Actually ... he's trying to look for money for my son's tuition fee...! "

Modi’s wife held his son's hand tightly. The young man could only bow his head. There was a sense of shame and inferiority in his face.........

An hour passed. I came out from the hospital. But on the way, my memory could not detach from all I had been through. There was a huge changed in me. I admitted honestly, that incident struck my very heart and soul! Especially ... for whatever reason, I suddenly had been so very kind enough to solve all the problems that occurred to Modi family. I was even also spontaneously covering full tuition for their son and daughter.

It was amazing, wasn't it?! I was surprised to myself... After all, I was not that kind of generous person! Even, I was a cocky avengeful. I was just a selfish person who had bad intentions about showing off my own fortune and prosperity to a friend who insulted me 10 years ago. A friend who always flattered Modi as high as the sky, while stepped on me mercilessly on the other hand!

But, seeing all the tragedies that befell the Modi family.... My soul was shaken by it! For some reasons, I suddenly felt ... God in a unique way had prevented me from continuing my entire plan. He also seemed to show me that only God himself was in charge of all the creature’s fate! So, rich and poor became meaningless, everything was like a spinning wheel!

I began to understand, now.... When poverty afflicted our lives, patience to change one's destiny was absolutely necessary. While on the other hand, being rich did not always guarantee the fate of people remained in luck forever.... Life was a wilderness of mystery filled with unexpected surprises!

But, above all, there was a very deep impression in my heart and felt 'so special' with all my spontaneity actions towards Modi family! Helping people in distress turned out to give a fantastic unique meaning. An amazing sense that made me feel extremely satisfied, strangely ... also provided an incomparable happiness in my deepest heart! The pure true happiness! We no longer even thought in terms of 'poverty and wealth' itself, because all of our energy was only devoted to one noble goal: to help others sincerely ... Nothing more! 

I really got the very valuable new lesson…. That wealth - which might be only temporary and artificial -, apparently not something to be proud of for a snobbery. In the midst of a difficult and miserable life around us ... wealth was a dedication!

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