a struggle of the human soul
In Gedhem's lifestyle, free sex behavior was even regarded as a kind of ritual of his spiritual activities. How come?! Because, his Lord was Freedom! So, sexual expression was the highest form of a ritual to free from all forbidden and fettered passions. He considered active and exposed sexual activity as a manifestation of his loyalty to the 'Gods of Freedom'. As well as a form of protest and rebellion against God that was worshiped by religious people in general. His new God was the opposite of the most people's God.
In this case, it was very clear that Gedhem seemed want to plunge himself into the mainstream that was currently strengthening. It was the era of the flirty people whose slave mentality that always posed themselves as the foremost freedom servants and seekers, wasn't it?! It's just that Gedhem's view felt far more philosophical than other people in general.
And his unusual ‘philosophical’ perspective of God, inevitably led many to accuse him of being an atheism's follower. But, he always insisted that he was not an atheist. He only wanted to be a creature that opposed and fiercely resisted his Creator, and not eliminated God! Because, he had replaced God with a new deified idol, which is: The Freedom.
But one time, his free life habits had led him to a shameful commotion. Fortunately, the incident was not exposed to hot news in criminal section of the local newspaper or became 'the embarrassing intricate affair' at the police station.
Here was the story.....
On another cold, gloomy night – actually it almost dawn, I found Gedhem huddled on a tattered mattress in the corner of his room. His body was battered with bruises. But, a bitter welcoming smile still poked on his bruised blue face, when he knew I had already stood before him. Then, he tried to tell his experience on that Friday night. He told me in a trembling voice, he had just been beaten by a bouncer in Sarkem, a famous brothel located in the center of the city.
"Why did you make him angry? Were you bothering prostitutes there? " I said, so curiously.
"Uh, that's a trivial matter! A usual misunderstanding that happened anytime. That bouncer might feel a little annoyed at me."
" Be honest. You're not just insulting him, were you? Or just lecturing with your complicated philosophical matters of life that might make him dizzy so badly, then he became furious about it?! Come on, buddy!"
" Indeed…. I just sneered a little, nothing more."
" Poke fun at someone... Mmm... and you were beaten almost collapsed like that ?!"
" This is the point. I just said while joking to the bodyguard that I was rocking with one of the sluts. I did intend to joke and grinning, I also showed my middle finger code right before his fierce face... But, I admitted that I didn't know him well. So, it probably became very sensitive. Maybe, he didn't have a high sense of humor at my level, he simply didn't like it. He disagreed my body language of that funny swaying hips (you know, it's kind of dancing performed by famous singers in general), as it was associated with sexual intercourse. Though, it was ridiculous when I was having a party with that sluts, the wobble we were doing was in the same move as this kind! He insisted on rejecting it. Even cursing me as a dirty-minded brat! In fact, I only want to be honest. This is me the way I am."
"Ah, really, it's certainly not about that, right?!" I said without hesitation. I was so sure about his pretense!
After a long silence (seemed to think deeper), he said softly, " The girl is his girlfriend. Maybe, he is jealous. "
"I still can't believe it. Just be honest, man. "
I kept trying to persuade him to tell the truth. Although, the last reason seemed far more reasonable than before. My hunch told me that there were certain things that have been hidden from me. But, it was not easy to break his silence.
"I am very sure, this incident must have been inspired by the books you read, right?" I found the right words, this time!
He looked awkward and was a little bit shy. Then with a slightly childish gesture.... suddenly his hand moved quickly trying to hide the thick book that had been read for three quarters under the dull bed sheets.
I was so very curious. As fast as lightning I immediately grabbed and took the book under the dull bed linen. It turned out to be a translation book..., a masterpiece by Nietzsche which was now widely read: Zarathustra!
"Wow...., what the hell is this?! So, is it the answer of what exactly were you doing? I am definitely sure. This book was the key to the real story that actually happened "
Finally, he felt cornered. He reluctantly told me the truth.
"I have flogged and beaten up one of the prettiest slut in Sarkem! The bitch was in pain, then shouted angrily and informed to the bodyguard who held security in the brothel."
I was stunned to hear it. An act of desperation was carried out by Gedhem. Physically he was a weak and peaceful person. It seemed that the radical thoughts about his masculine superiority ego has now manifested into actual acts of violence.
" If you go to see the woman, do not forget your whip...!" He suddenly said in a mysterious tone, while casting a terrible grin ...
Now, he obviously had cited one of the misogynist quotes in the Nietzsche’s book which he had not finished reading, yet.
However, Gedhem's strange-lunatic behavior did not stop there. It was hard to believe, when everything peaked into something I had never imagined before! A big uproar happened. Gedhem – a close friend of mine – killed someone! Now, of course, Gedhem's case was not something minor in the eyes of the law.
With a big hammer he slaughtered an old widow! She was an ex-pimp, a moneylender who's finally live miserably, stingy, bad-tempered and so paranoid that she was easily suspicious and accusing at people around her as thieves and parasites who wanted to prey her last meager asset.
The cruelest murder phenomenon in the city certainly jerked all the residents who usually behave sweetly, friendly and ... as some people said have no culture of violence in its history. The experts of anthropology, sociology and psychology suddenly panicked in competing to comment on and trying to dissect the problem. They began to accuse the seemingly normal community (but, who tended to be partying when others were suffering) clearly as a sick community. People who love to party and indulge in freedom were called as decadent pop culture products. Because behind their smile, laughter and cheerfulness, they had secretly produced terrible monsters that live hidding in their midst.
While, criminologists were busy fussing about the motives behind the bloody killings. Most of them concluded the incident as a normal robbery case, because a number of jewelry belonging to the victim disappeared. But, the authorities could never find hard evidence of the robbery at Gedhem's dormitory. Moreover, Gedhem himself claimed to have never enjoyed the proceeds of his crime.
The other experts also thought Gedhem was purely a psychopath. He was a killer without a certain motive who chose his victims randomly. According to them the murder was merely based on a pure desire. An unbearable mentally turmoil, which could only be satisfied by killing and torturing the victim.
My mind immediately flew away. Suddenly, I felt so sure that Gedhem actually had a specific strong motive in the murder. Only his motive might not be too common. But, I could only bury this curious mind.
The following three months, after a short trial, Gedhem was finally sentenced to 20 years in prison. He was jailed in a prison specifically intended for most dangerous criminals: Nskb maximum security prison!
Days passed. One time, I was moved to visit Gedhem. Then, after going through a bureaucratic process that was not easy I managed to meet him.
His face was pale white. A little fire of passion in the eyes arose from his gaze as soon as he knew that I was his visitor. After chatting for a long time, my curiosity began to emerge and pushed so hard from within.
I said,"I feel sorry for everything that happened to you..., I wondered....."
"I think I had to kill that old woman ..., it's not a robbery as stated in the prosecution ... “ he replied in a hurry, defensively.
No surprised to hear his argument, at all. I even tried to cut, "Of course. You're becoming a Raskolnikov, weren't you?"
His eyes sparkled strangely, "So you read it too? Crime and Punishment ..., Dostoevsky?"
When I saw that queer expression, I suddenly felt devastated. As, I saw in my eyes a clear picture of Raskolnikov (the main character of a book that I also once read) who was poor and suffering, which in my own personal views I always considered him as a sick person. Sick both socially and psychologically. Even in the process of healing and awareness, I still saw him as a sick person! Raskolnikov - as a human being - from the beginning to the end of his life was a person with a mental disorder!
I hated that damn Dostoevsky’s character. I hated Raskolnikov! And..., in a glance, a truly inevitable unexpected moment affected my soul dramatically .... It occurred to me that probably this was the same process as Gedhem felt, yet in another way! So, when I hated the main character of the book I read, automatically I also hated the person who was personified as him. I really saw Gedhem and Rashkolnikov were the same person, now! They were twin in one body. And just because of that trivial reason, the unforeseen consequences looked reasonable, that was: I hated Raskolnikov, and I became hate Gedhem, as well.
That kind of extraordinary psychological situation had led me to another nausea. Even though, I formerly had suspected the background of his crime, however, cruelly murder was something that disgusted me. Thus, no wonder I was disgusted staring both Rashkolnikov and Gedhem's face in front of me!
But, I didn't want to bother and beat around with all my entire inner process. In fact, I was sick and tired of it. Suddenly, I felt I could not take it anymore and had to immediately end the whole pathetic conversation. Gedhem obviously became disappointed. He didn't seem like it, but he didn't know what was really happening to me either! In the last moments before I disappeared before him, the gaze in his eyes was full of question as if trying so hard to pry into everything that was in my mind. But he failed. I was silent..., and kept on walking....
Six months later, I heard the news that Gedhem died hanging himself in prison. I also received a letter he had written the day before his suicide.
Its contents were brief, like a short statement: “ I cannot bear the feelings like those endured by Raskolnikov. The images of the old widow haunts me, mercilessly. Obviously that what happened to Raskolnikov was totally different from what I had been through. Raskolnikov was in the process of serving his sentence up to a full awareness of his humanity. From a murderer with odd psychiatric motives, then repent and become a good person in the end. But, the opposite is me! My deeds are unforgivable. The sentence of 20 years in prison is a very lightly punished to me. And, it torments me much, I can't live with this feeling of guilt. I should have been sentenced to death! “
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